What is Emotional Regulation and Why Does it Matter?
Written by: Tyler Polansky, MA, LAC, NCC
As a therapist, I often help clients understand the role that emotional regulation plays in their overall mental health and relationships. Emotional regulation is the ability to manage our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in ways that support our well-being and help us respond effectively to life's challenges. Some of these responses are intentional, while others happen automatically based on past experiences and learned coping patterns.
One of the most important things I emphasize is that there is no single "right" way to regulate emotions. A coping strategy that is helpful in one situation may not be helpful in another. For example, removing yourself from a dangerous situation is a healthy form of self-protection. However, consistently avoiding difficult conversations or painful emotions can allow problems to grow and create even greater distress over time. The goal is not to eliminate uncomfortable emotions but to learn how to respond to them in ways that align with your values and well-being.
In therapy, we often explore two important forms of emotional regulation: self-regulation and co-regulation. Self-regulation refers to the skills we use independently to calm ourselves and manage emotional experiences. Healthy self-regulation might include taking a walk, practicing mindfulness or deep breathing, journaling, exercising, spending time in nature, or allowing yourself to cry when needed. Sometimes people rely on coping strategies such as emotional eating, excessive shopping, substance use, or other impulsive behaviors. While these behaviors may provide temporary relief, they often do not address the underlying issue.
Co-regulation, on the other hand, involves receiving emotional support from others. As Katie Bergacs always says, "We heal in the context of our relationships." So, what does that actually look like? Humans are naturally wired for connection, and supportive relationships play an important role in helping us process difficult emotions and regain a sense of stability. Co-regulation can look like talking with a trusted friend, attending therapy, spending time with a caring partner, participating in a support group, or even finding comfort in the companionship of a pet. Seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it is a healthy and essential part of emotional well-being. Allowing others to help regulate us during difficult moments not only strengthens our relationships but also reminds us that we don't have to navigate life's challenges alone.
One of the questions I often ask clients is whether their current coping strategies are helping them move toward the life they want to live. Finding a healthy balance between independence and connection is essential. Relying only on yourself may lead to isolation and emotional disconnection, while depending entirely on others for reassurance or decision-making can prevent you from developing confidence in your own abilities. Emotional wellness is built by developing both self-regulation and co-regulation skills.
Another important part of therapy is understanding where these coping patterns originated. Many of the ways we regulate emotions today developed because they helped us survive or adapt earlier in life. As we grow and our circumstances change, some of those strategies may no longer serve us. Exploring these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment allows us to identify healthier ways of coping that better support our current goals and relationships.
Ultimately, my role as a therapist is to help clients develop greater awareness of their emotional responses, build practical regulation skills, and create healthier patterns that become sustainable over time. Through consistent practice and self-reflection, emotional regulation becomes less about controlling feelings and more about responding to them with intention, resilience, and self-compassion.
