Communicating Effectively with DEAR MAN: A DBT Skill for Healthier Conversations
We all have moments when it feels hard to speak up — to ask for what we need, to say “no,” or to express how we really feel. Maybe you worry about upsetting someone, or you’ve learned to stay quiet to keep the peace. The truth is, healthy communication doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. It means finding a way to express yourself clearly and respectfully, while also caring for the relationship.
One helpful tool for this comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a skills-based approach that teaches people how to manage emotions, improve relationships, and cope with stress. The skill is called DEAR MAN, and it offers a simple structure for having tough conversations with confidence and kindness (Mindful Teen, n.d.; Now Matters Now, n.d.).
What DEAR MAN Stands For
Each letter in DEAR MAN represents a step that helps you express yourself effectively (The DBT Resource, n.d.; SimplePractice, 2024):
D – Describe:
Start by describing the situation in a calm, factual way — without judgment.
“When you raised your voice during our discussion yesterday…”
E – Express:
Share how you feel about what happened.
“…I felt hurt and dismissed.”
A – Assert:
Ask clearly for what you want or need, or say no to something you don’t.
“I’d like us to speak calmly when we disagree.”
R – Reinforce:
Explain why your request matters or how it benefits both of you.
“That way, we can work through issues without saying things we regret.”
Then use the MAN steps to stay grounded (Nick & Boudin, 2025):
M – Mindful:
Stay focused on your goal. If the other person gets defensive, bring your attention back to what you’re asking for.
A – Appear confident:
Use steady eye contact, a calm tone, and relaxed body language — even if you feel nervous inside.
N – Negotiate:
Be open to compromise. Sometimes you can meet halfway and still honor your needs.
Why DEAR MAN Helps
DEAR MAN combines mindfulness and assertiveness — two skills that make communication more effective and compassionate (Mindful Teen, n.d.).
It helps you:
Stay clear and calm instead of reactive.
Express needs without guilt or aggression.
Maintain self-respect while staying connected to others.
Navigate boundaries and conflict more confidently.
The more you practice, the easier it becomes to use this structure naturally in everyday life — with partners, friends, coworkers, or family members (Now Matters Now, n.d.).
Tips for Practicing DEAR MAN
Start small. Try it in a low-stakes situation first, like asking for a small favor or clarifying plans.
Write it out. Jot down each step before a conversation to organize your thoughts (Nick & Boudin, 2025).
Take your time. If emotions feel high, pause and come back to the discussion when you’re calm.
Be gentle with yourself. Speaking up can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re not used to it. Each attempt is practice, not perfection (SimplePractice, 2024).
Final Thoughts
Healthy communication isn’t about winning or being right — it’s about being authentic and respectful. The DEAR MAN skill gives you a framework to speak your truth, care for your relationships, and honor your needs (The DBT Resource, n.d.). Over time, it can help you feel more confident, connected, and emotionally balanced.
You deserve to be heard — and you can learn to communicate in a way that helps others truly listen (Mindful Teen, n.d.).
References
Mindful Teen. (n.d.). DEAR MAN – How to get what you want. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://www.mindfulteen.org/dbt/interpersonal-effectiveness/dear-man/
Now Matters Now. (n.d.). DEAR MAN Skill. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://nowmattersnow.org/skill/dear-man/
Nick, E., & Boudin, M. (2025, September 18). DEAR MAN Worksheet (Free download). Choosing Therapy. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/therapy-worksheets/dear-man-worksheet/
The DBT Resource. (n.d.). DEAR MAN Framework. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://thedbtresource.com/modules/dear-man.html
SimplePractice. (2024, June 13). DEAR MAN Worksheet. Retrieved October 28, 2025, from https://www.simplepractice.com/resource/dear-man-worksheet/
